Getting back to good

Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good    

                                                ~Matchbox 20

When someone tramples on your trust and love, it hurts immensely.  But also?  It feels liberating for a while.  Suddenly, you become convinced that you can do and say anything.   And for a while, you can.  

If he wants to stay and try to work things out, he’ll take any manner of shit you decide to dish out.  There is no limit to the name-calling and snide remarks you can get away with.

For a while, you may even come to the conclusion that you are henceforth exempt from ever giving a shit about this person’s feelings, pride, or dignity again.  After all, he didn’t care about yours, right?  So screw him. 

That takes a while to go away, too, even after you realize how counterproductive it is.  And it is counterproductive, if what you're trying to do is find you way back to a good place.  

You can't see a way back to any kind of good place yet, though, can you?  

You're wandering through your bizarre new Wonderland, and the paths available are these: 

Take the path to the right, and walk away from him.  You deserve better.  You can't stay with someone that betrayed you. You'd have no self respect.  

Or...

Take the path to the left, and stay with him.  Go on as if nothing ever happened.  Make him think that what he did was okay, because staying is like giving him permission, right?  

Yeah, I didn't like either of those options either.  The right seemed lonely and unfair.  The left seemed phony and pathetic and impossible to stomach.  

If I leave him, I'll be a failure.  All those people that thought we'd never last...they'll all be right.  I'll be a single mom, and I'll have to do it all alone, and all because of him and his stupid selfish choices.  And he can't even have the balls to just leave me, he's got to dump this in my lap, make this my decision, so if I break up our family it's on me, not him.  Fuck that.  

If I stay with him, I'll be a doormat.  All those women I've looked down on and shaken my head at in disbelief...I'll be one of them.  I'll be the good little wife that looks the other way, and what about next time he faces temptation?  There it will be in the back of his mind... she didn't leave me.  She's not going anywhere.  Well, fuck that, too.  

So where does that leave us now?  Well... You might have noticed the name of this little blog?  Yes, here's where it comes in.  

Those other paths?  Nope.  No thanks.  

I make the path.