Dear Alice...

Dear Alice, 

I, like you, have found myself in this deranged wonderland. In a way my whole life has been on some sort of "detached" path...and I suppose this is no different...it's just MY way. However, there are NOT many answers here, and not much guidance either...each attempt at therapy...together or individually...is very black and white. It never deals with the grey. 

My husband...I am not sure why I have felt a connection to him from the very first time we met...maybe it was a familiar depression or feeling unworthy or not good enough, as we had both been through very difficult past relationships that were hurtful in more ways than one. I don't know. I just knew I had never felt that connection before. We shared everything, we talked, we laughed, we cried...we SHARED our life, and appreciated having each other for both the ups and downs. Or so I thought.  He did admit to having consensual sex with [another woman]...so my questions are much like yours...why? how? when? where?...his answers of "I don't know why I did it", or " I was stupid, this had nothing to do with you"...what am I supposed to think? Where do I find THOSE answers? I do know, at least as of now, nothing has satisfied those questions yet. And the questioning of my own self-worth for even contemplating his coming back home. My family threatened to disown me if I allowed it...even my own mind questioned my heart...why would I even consider it? But I did. WHY? 

The opposition, the speculation, the cruelty from the outside world was near unbearable...and added to my soul-crushing pleas of WHY...WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH ME???...well, 3 years later I am still battling with bouts of that. And it will hit me out of nowhere...we will have done very well for a while, and anything at random can bring those memories flooding back, and making me question everything.

I decided, after much prayer and pleading and grappling between my mind and my heart that I would forgive and we could make this work if he was in this whole-heartedly as I was. But NOW WHAT? Does it ever go away? Those visions, that unbearable set of memories...the questions and trust issues...does it ever stop? Will the questions always be there at least in the background? Every moment he isn't home exactly when he should be...if he takes longer than usual at the store or to pump gas...stupid little things caused by everyday inconveniences cause BIG questions. I Knew this would not be easy, but honestly, can I get completely past it? 

I honestly am interested in knowing any coping skills you may have come across in your journey down this grown-over path of unknowns. I can deal with being judged by others...I really have learned not to care... I don't let it affect me much anymore... My inner turmoil torments me. It is difficult to be intimate...3 years and forgiveness and moving on later...with my husband without picturing him with her. It makes for a difficult relationship all around, but we are both still hanging on. There has to be a reason for that, or at least one of us would have let go by now, right? 

For most people I come across, it is overwhelming to absorb...and from outside the box, most people think I am just insane and they would have done things so much differently. Maybe I will have regrets another decade down the road when I look back...who knows...but at this point, I guess I need some help LIVING in it at the moment. I love my husband very much, or I would not be here fighting with my own self about it. I don't have any problems of "being alone" or "desperate"...I have been alone a great deal of my life...at times with children and making it all happen for all of us...so when most of the outsiders feel my fear of being alone is what keeps me here...no. Sometimes I wonder what kind of humans THEY are that they would give up on something over mistakes...as though they are mistake free in this life. I have certainly made my share of mistakes... 

...even when happiness is abundant and joy should be felt above all else, there is still a cloud that hangs over it. The "waiting for the other shoe to drop" that you referenced. How do you deal with that? Sometimes I think it would be easier to just have walked away, and been like the rest of those around me who, apparently would have just been bitter and cold and said they were done. Doesn't that feeling eat at you on the inside too? I have no desire to be angry and bitter...I'm past that point in my life, and it was a very miserable feeling... 

But my question in this "realignment" now is...when is enough enough? I mean, if I have come back to this now, have I forever compromised myself? Will I take ANYTHING and everything everyone has to dish out, and just be ok with it? What does that say about my own strengths and morals and self-worth? And as much as I desperately want to be happy and see how good this is...there is always that gloomy cloud of questions that hangs over me...and the waiting... 

IS trust rebuild-able? Can a marriage exist and grow if it is somewhat broken, but hope still there? Thought you might have found a few ways of handling some of these emotions... 

Thanks,
 A Reader

Dear Reader,

Alone and lost are feelings to which I can thoroughly relate.

No matter how many other people have been there, you still feel like you’re the only person in the world that has ever felt this way.

Please, please know one thing, if you don’t know anything else: there is nothing wrong with you.  You are enough.

Does it ever go away?  No.  Not in my experience.  But it can serve as a lesson.  Don’t feel ashamed of it.  Use it as a reminder.  Be proud that it’s something you’ve gotten through and lived to tell about.

You wrote of trust issues; trust seemed like an insurmountable obstacle at first.

The problem isn’t that you still think it might happen again… It might happen again.  That’s just reality.  The naiveté was in ever believing that it would never happen in the first place.

There was never any ironclad certainty that our relationship would be perfect.  That was just a fairy tale we like to believe in.  If I were to leave him, there’s no guarantee that the next man I marry won’t be unfaithful after 10 years of marriage.  Life makes no promises to us.  We’re foolish when we assume it does.  

The best you can do is just to be grateful for today.

Today, we are “us.”  I love him.  He loves me.  Yesterday already happened.

Forgiveness means giving up any hope that the past could have been different.  It’s done.

Today, he is a good man.  He brings me coffee in bed. Today, he works his ass off for us.  He takes my hand at the end of the day and kisses it and tells me he missed me, even though he just spent the weekend with me and has only been gone since this morning.  He wishes out loud that he had more time to spend with me.  He rolls over and curls up next to me, hugs me to him, and lets me know that I am adored.

Today, he engages our children; he challenges them and supports them and spends time with them.  He mows the grass and fixes the things that need fixing.  He does laundry and dishes.  He takes me out on dates and makes an effort to court me.

Sure, he leaves his shoes all over the bedroom and bathroom even while he complains about the state of the rest of the house, and he steals my car keys, and he threatens to take our smallest dog to the pound; he’s not a saint.  But he loves.  He is a decent and kind man that has flaws and has made mistakes.

At the risk of sounding trite, who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Tomorrow, next week, next month… One of us might muck it all up.  It could be him.  It could be me.  We’re just flawed human people here.  Maybe we have financial problems that cause a divorce.  Maybe I die in a car accident.  Maybe one of us is ravaged by illness.  My point is… I cannot dwell on tomorrow.  Today, we are “us.”

Is trust re-buildable?  Yes, in my experience it is.

I no longer wear my wedding ring from 11 years ago.  It is a symbol of a promise that was broken.  I’ve put it to rest in my jewelry box.  It doesn't belong on my finger.  I haven’t decided if I want to save it for one of our children.  Probably I won’t.  I’m a believer in positive energy, and it doesn't have a lot of positive energy attached to it anymore.  Maybe I will sell it.  I won’t wear it again, though, I know that for sure.  We’ve made a new promise to each other, and one day, when we can afford it, I will have a new ring.  For now, I wear a simple diamond band that was not a part of my original wedding set, a concession to the fact that we are still committed to this marriage thing.

You can hold on to your marriage, but you can’t rebuild it on an unstable foundation.  You can’t get to good until YOU are good.

You have to love yourself before anyone else can.

Another important message the universe sent my way, via Facebook:

Lots of love,
Alice