Keeping secrets

There is no room for secrets in my life.  There will be no brushing things under the rug.  I believe in forthrightness and candor.

I won't put up a billboard calling him out as a cheater...

I won't say the idea didn't hold some appeal at one point, though.

But I won't shy away from the topic, either.  To hide it is to be ashamed of it, and to be ashamed of it is to admit guilt over it.  Before you know it, we're back to the self-loathing place again.

I will not hide my husband's infidelity just because we are still together and it might be embarrassing for us.

More embarrassing would be trying to pass a life off as perfect and then having people discover that it's not.  I won't pretend that we haven't struggled, that we haven't fought tooth and nail to keep the life we have.

I won't make this business of marriage look simple.  It does a disservice to everyone.

As I was looking for ways in which to cope with my new Wonderland, I poked around this topic online.  I found a lot of angry women that had left their husbands, and I also found a few women that had decided, inexplicably, that cheating was the best thing that had ever happened to their marriage.

I couldn't relate to the angry ones.  Oh, I was angry.  But I was not separated or divorced or wanting revenge.

I couldn't relate to the happy ones, either.  Sure, they didn't get there in a few days.  Still, it turned my stomach.

In our daily lives, everyone that really matters already knows.  I told everyone close to me right from the beginning.  When something turns your life upside down so thoroughly, it's nearly impossible to hide.  I told my mother, I told his mother, I told all of our friends... I exposed him to them utterly and completely.  I make no apologies for that.  But that came from anger and hurt.

Talking about it now, shedding light on a subject others often shy away from, is about transparency.  It's about relating to people like me, because I could find no path to which I could relate.  It is about reaching out, and it is about healing.

I have hesitated for months to publish a blog post on the topic, because he has business acquaintances to which this subject has no relevance.  I respect that.  I can be circumspect.

(If you happen to know me, try not to roll on the floor laughing over that one, okay?  I can...really.  Seriously.  Hush.)

I can write about it here, though, where nobody knows my name.  I think that honors the spirit of transparency while also honoring his (unspoken but clearly present) desire for a modicum of privacy.

If the subject of infidelity comes up in our daily lives, I will speak my truth in a way that is genuine and relevant.  If my experience can help someone down their path, I will not hesitate to offer it up.

I'll leave you today with some food for thought...

Excerpts from The 'Gospel According to Jesus' on Transparency

When you have nothing to hide, shame can dissolve. Lies no longer need to be upheld. Simplicity and clarity rule in your life, for there is no deception or hidden agendas.

If you have a fear and share it, that fear and the guilt beneath it no longer remain hidden. If you have a judgment, you can see it and examine it. You can hide your attack thoughts or you can confess them.

There is no one who does not make mistakes. Trespass one against another, with or without intention, is commonplace. Mistakes will be made and each error is a gift because it brings you to correction. Celebrate the opportunity to bring all manipulation and deceit to the surface. Be thankful for the invitation to reach into the dark places of your mind and bring the contents to the light of conscious inspection. When you justify your mistakes, you hang onto them, forcing yourself to defend them over and over again. 

Trust your brother and sister and know that they do not stand above you in judgment, but side by side, as your equals. They cannot condemn you without condemning themselves.

Confess to yourself. Confess to your mate, your boss, even to the stranger on the street. Do not be concerned about what people think.

Your confession gives others permission to look at their own mistakes with compassion.

One who admits her mistakes is a beacon of light to others. She has shed her cloak of darkness. Light shines through her, for her mind is transparent, a clear channel through which truth flows without effort.  

Others immediately know that she can be trusted and they reach out to take her hand. Having forgiven her own sins, she can extend that forgiveness to others. Her authority does not come from outside, but from within. She has been ordained by no authority of the world. Yet each person who comes to her recognizes her, trusts her, and confides in her. 

To end suffering, you must end all forms of deceit in your life. And that can only be done by telling the truth, to yourself, to me, and to your brother and sister. 

Confess your fears, your feelings of inadequacy, your trespasses and your grievances. Bring the darkness of your secret thoughts and feelings into the light of conscious attention. There is no mistake that cannot be corrected. There is no trespass that cannot be forgiven.